Self-Determination: How to Define Success for Yourself and Stop Measuring Yourself Against Others
Success is always measured against a particular reference point.
A reference point, which can be external or internal, is a standard for evaluation and comparison.
Most of us have external reference points because that is how we are taught.
The Problem with External Reference Points
External reference points aren’t active choices. They’re passive programming of our subconscious by society, culture, and the educational system.
When we are taught to measure ourselves by external reference points, we do not learm how to determine our own reference points or measures of success, so we adopt what society tells us—money, fame, social media likes etc.
This limits our freedom and impacts our psychological wellbeing, making the feeling of successful unlikely, because the criteria is always changing, often unreachable in the first place, and the data is incomplete.
External reference points are the path to unnecessary suffering since happiness is dependent on what we measure ourselves against.
What It Means to Be Self-Determined
Becoming self determined means you make yourself the reference point, rather than measuring yourself against something external. It also means you’re intrinsically motivated. You choose goals for yourself. Self determination is about taking up your personal authority.
Externals can be used for measurement, but you decide what success means to you. You do not need anyone else’s permission, or to apologize for what you want for yourself. You are clear on why you want what you want. You are not competing with anyone else. When it comes to achievement, you are in your own league.
Self determination theory posits that autonomy is a critical aspect of motivation, and that the more independence and ownership you take for yourself, your circumstances, and your life the more self-determined you will become.
Why We Struggle to be Self-Determined
Becoming self determined is difficult in modern living. The noise and distractions are relentless making it hard to center yourself as a reference point and tune into your internal compass.
Public education conditions us in external comparison and competition. Technology is designed to addict and control us.
Social media subconsciously manipulates our identities, desires and behaviors through gradual, slight, imperceptible changes because it’s hard to make money off self determined people.
A consumerist society encourages external reference points because it’s important you don’t feel successful or whole if you are to be manipulated.
Your Reference Points
What I often notice in my work with clients is that so often reference points are imagined, or based on things that aren’t real or actually known.
Figure our your reference points by asking yourself these questions:
What are the reference points you measure yourself against?
Why did you choose those particular reference points?
How do you define and measure success for yourself? Is it the same for others?
Creating Internal Reference Points
Becoming self-determined is a matter of making a simple, if not easy, shift by focusing on what you’ve achieved, not what others are achieving. Focusing on yourself is a far worthier investment if your time, if you ask me.
Doesn’t focusing on measuring yourself against your past self make more sense than against someone or something with a completely different set of circumstances you don’t? Of course it does, but that’s not how emotions work!
So, how do you bridge the gap from what you know to what you do?
A Four Step Process for Defining Your Success Criteria
One: Begin by defining what a successful day looks like for you by asking questions like:
What are the elements of a day that bring you joy?
What kind of work feels stimulating?
What’s your capacity for relationships?
How do you like to spend your time?
Two: Once you do this evaluate you reference points by asking yourself:
Are the reference points you measure yourself against external or internal?
How often do you compare yourself to others?
Are you self determined and free? If not, how does your time spent on social media impact this?
Three: Make a list using the following prompt: “I know I’m being successful when…”
Some examples:
I get to choose what, when and how I do each day.
My passive revenue exceeds my lifestyle needs.
I’m surrounded by people who make me feel seen.
Four: Ask yourself filtering questions to help you gain clarity about what to do and go further faster. They can be general ones you use or situation specific. What’s a simple filter you can create to assess every decision you make?
Some examples:
Is this opportunity or person aligned with my values?
Will this opportunity take advantage of my unique abilities?
Does this make sense financially?
If I say yes to this, what else must I say no to?
Measuring Success
Your questions should help you think about your own measurements. Use those criteria to make decisions and move yourself forward. Then, regularly measure yourself backward to evaluate your own progress. This is how you live by clear measurements that you’ve chosen.
This is how you create your path.
Final Thoughts & Tips
Ask yourself: Are your success criteria focused on the outcomes you want?
Success criteria become more powerful and effective as you use them. Get good at saying no to anything that doesn’t align with your success criteria. If it’s not a full yes, then say no.
It can be helpful to do this work with a partner, in a group, or with the support of a professional, especially if blocks are coming up for you.